A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose. The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!" The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"
Se afișează postările cu eticheta Porţia zilnică de râs. Afișați toate postările
Se afișează postările cu eticheta Porţia zilnică de râs. Afișați toate postările
sâmbătă, 5 martie 2011
vineri, 4 martie 2011
Maybe you're not cured
Dr. Sharma, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. 'So, Mr. Patel,' the doctor says to one of his patients, 'I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?' The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, 'Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field and great money. But, on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experiences here in the hospital and what it's like to be a patient here.' The patient continued, 'People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately.' Dr. Sharma nods and says, 'Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.' The patient replies, 'And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.'
joi, 3 martie 2011
Going nuts
A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
miercuri, 2 martie 2011
The memory test
Three old men are at the doctor's office to take a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old guy, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second old man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third one, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third old man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"That was easy Doc, "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
The doctor says to the first old guy, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second old man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third one, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third old man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"That was easy Doc, "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
marți, 1 martie 2011
Expensive operation
A woman was having a medical problem – her husband’s snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her “suffering.”
“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”
“My goodness!” the woman exclaimed, “it sounds like leasing a new sports car!”
“Humm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?
“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”
“My goodness!” the woman exclaimed, “it sounds like leasing a new sports car!”
“Humm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?
luni, 28 februarie 2011
And…he is gonna be your doctor
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Morris, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too".
“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Morris, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too".
duminică, 27 februarie 2011
sâmbătă, 26 februarie 2011
General surgery
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute." Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'" He replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
joi, 24 februarie 2011
Funny medical charts
The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on patients’ medical charts:
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
33. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
34. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
35. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
36. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
37. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
38. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
39. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
40. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
33. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
34. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
35. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
36. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
37. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
38. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
39. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
40. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
miercuri, 23 februarie 2011
Mental Health Hotline
Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
marți, 22 februarie 2011
Neurotic vs. Psychotic
The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.
luni, 21 februarie 2011
The diagnosis
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
duminică, 20 februarie 2011
Top ten things you don't want to hear in surgery
1. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
2. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3. Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4. Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
6. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
7. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
8. Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
9. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em.
10. What do you mean "You want a divorce?"
2. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3. Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4. Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
6. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
7. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
8. Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
9. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em.
10. What do you mean "You want a divorce?"
sâmbătă, 19 februarie 2011
After the physical
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
vineri, 18 februarie 2011
Will it hurt much, doctor?
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
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